What To Do?

"Do not pass by me. I beg you.... I'm right here."
I don't mind, living the rest of my life to prove how much I love you...
But, what to do? What to do? The question keep on haunting me every day... Every time you tell me the word of love.. Should I do nothing? Should I stop trying?

I did. I love someone else back then. I fell so hard. But, when I gained my courage to rise my self over again, I knew they are my past. I knew how painful it is to realized your beloved one was belong to someone else... But everyone have past...
What to do? What to do? The question is now spoken for myself instead of you....

I can write you a lot love letters.. But I've written something for my precious lover. I can serenade you love songs but I've sung for my precious lover. I can give you my all but you can always say I've given everything to my previous lover....
I give you every space in my mind but I used to think about somebody else before you.. What to do? What to do? A singer will sing to show the feeling, a writer will write, a lover will love. But what to do if I can't do all of them for you?

I enjoy doing things you hate.. How to fix it? How to fix it?
I'm sorry... I'm sorry... For that you are not my first in a lot of things... I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry...
But you hate it when I say sorry.. What to do? What to do? I want you to die loving me.. I want to die being loved by you... What to do?
How is it? Are you tired enough to be loved by insatiable and obsessive one?

I though, I was trying to love you better.. But all I do is messing everything up.. I thought I understand you but I don't... What to do?
I wanna touch you.. But I pulled my hand back as I realized I used it to touch someone else back then...
I wanna say I love you but I said it to someone else before...
I keep on thinking of how to say and show you my feeling in the way you can be comfortable.. But I find no answer.

Even though I was a silly one, I still loving you with all my strength. But sometimes I've stopped..
Even though I used to randomly hug and kiss you, I've stopped..
Even though I wrote a lot and show you, I've stopped...
I wrote, keep it, taking notes, memorize, and delete all of them...
What to do? What to do? I keep on asking.. For everything that I've done, are they enough?
Will you keep loving me this way?

I've never experienced something like this and I don't know what to do.. I always... Always ruin everything.. What should I do?
From now on.. All I can do is to love you in silence. Cause I'm too afraid, I might ruin everything over and over again...

As long as you are okay.. As long as you are happy... I will do nothing unnecessary.
For you.... I can't give anything more than something I've given to my precious lover..
But whatever you asked me to do I'll do, whatever you like I'll do, whatever you hate I'll avoid, that's all effort I can do not to lose you.

I still have something I haven't given to anyone.. My life... Will it be enough?
Since that's the only thing left...
And once again, I don't want to lose you...

Your precious one,


一Aira chan

Kayoedomo

You know why a poem is beautiful?
For me, every poem says a lot of thing even if it only has one sentence.
From one person to another, the meaning of the same poem could be different. That's what makes it meaningful. There was a poem, written by Komachi. She lived in 9th century.

"Though I go to you ceaselessly along dream paths, the sum of those trysts is less than a single glimpse granted in the waking world."

There was the translation as well, but it's still hard to understand.
The translate says, "i go often" but the writer choose the word "kayoedomo" which means "to come and go" or "to commute."
And then she wrote "hitome" but she wrote is as一目 which is read as hito and means "a person."
Then it could be translated as "a glimpse of a person." which in other word, a symbol of a loved one.

In the last line, the writer wrote "mishigoto which is taken from the word "miki" while it is the past tense of "miru", to see.

And the last, she wrote "arazu" it is written "mishigoto wa arazu" as a complete sentence. And the same like "de wa nai" the word arazu means, it is not, it is different.
The full meaning was simply, "I go often to you in my dreams, but I never see you in the real word."

I always think of how sad this poem could be to see her loved one only in her dreams, to walk in every paths but never found him.
But today I give the poem to you so you know how I interpreted the poem in my own by the thoughts of you.

The first line says how I wanted to meet the right person to love it says kayoedomo for that person was coming and then gone. While domo means although because, although you have come, I was letting another people walk into my life.

The wrong people come and go because they aren't the right choice. while you come and go because we never realized it sooner. And related the next word about the dream paths, thus,  I always dreamed about my love.

I can only see you in my dreams, as a dream and I thought we haven't met. So that I often go to you in my dreams. But in my dreams, hitome. I can only see the glimpse of a person because I don't know exactly of a person who always dreaming about.

But then in the last line. It says in the real word, also dream, there is no different. I can only see a glimpse of someone. So I realized, since the first line written, the writer may have met her loved one.
The dream and reality have no difference because he came, without the writer realized it before.

You come and go, I can only see you in my dream, cause I didn't even try to reach you. I was dreaming while my dream has come true. I thought my dream was still a dream that everyday I come to see you there.

But in my dreams, I can't see you clearly because you were in my reality. But in reality, I can't see you clearly because I thought I still have to wait for my dreams to be come true. And in the first translation, it says, in the waking world the dream is finally granted.

Koishiteru....

With all my love,


一Aira chan.